Stage-7: Relational Mode

There is a need to find a few people with whom it feels right to develop greater closeness. Such bonds of friendship do not depend on frequency of contact. Endurance of bonds across time and space leads to the notion of a kindred spirit.

Kindred spirits are encountered in the everyday course of events: through shared experiences or common interests, during work, or even just through proximity.

Kindred spirits may be very different in personality, in work interests, and in background. In all cases, however, each views the other as a "special" person, someone who is intrinsically irreplaceable.

The special qualities of reliability and willingness in the bonds of friendship are reminiscent of what is given or hoped for within a family. However, these bonds, being freely chosen, lack the obligations and historical complications that are intrinsic to family life.

Loyalty is trusting and non-judgemental, so it can withstand and possibly counter life travails, social ostracism or legal accusations.

Loyalty exists in prior Stages, but its quality is less inter-personal and less dependable.
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• Emotional mode-1 loyalty can suddenly morph into distrust and hatred.
• Social mode-2 loyalty is based on common membership of a chosen group.
• Individual mode-3 loyalty is mainly directed towards the self-concept.
• Sensory mode-4 loyalty is oriented to sustaining the social circle.
• Vital mode-5 loyalty is subservient to inner exploration and creative challenge.
• Transpersonal mode-6 loyalty is impersonally equal for all.

Unless there is a deep appreciation of the other person—their quirks, their strengths, their weaknesses, their values—it is not possible to sustain a loyalty.

The perceived qualities of the other strengthens the self in external practical ways and through psychological processes like absorption and active identification.

These efforts to attune and benefit from the uniqueness of others differ from past Stages where relationships were developed to get needs met or in conformity with social expectations.

Many relationships will have been established in prior Stages. The choices will have been variously based on needs and usefulness, shared interests and values, social norms and common politeness. Such criteria remain but are insufficient here.

The choice of which friendships are to be left relatively superficial and which are to be cultivated and deepened is the essential autonomous act. In discriminating amongst your friends, you will be concerned that they share your values and support the way you have developed yourself, without necessarily having any explicit understanding.

Again, past relationships will have involved conversations, reciprocity, sharing and cooperation.
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The difference here is that mutuality and dialogue become the prime method for entering, sustaining and deepening a relationship. Genuine dialogue enables self-strengthening because it encourages and supports accurate self-reflection.

The sphere of privacy, which is where the most significant experiences are located, was created in the Individual Stage-φ3. This privacy remains largely intact within all subsequent Stages, including this one.

However, the Relational Mode-μ7 supports exposure of events and views which might be otherwise hidden because of social taboos or personal discomfort. The goal is to explore and deepen self-understanding through the assistance that can only come from genuine exchanges.

Meaningful relationships develop in unexpected and unpredictable ways. They are never perfect and have diverse qualities some of which may be irritating. Whoever your close friends turn out to be, it is necessary to be content with them and the relationship that you have. That contentment reaffirms your own value. Critical attacks on meaningful relationships, even if kept private, end up damaging your own self-esteem.

Comparisons with Contentment in Other Modes:

• Emotional -μ1: A person may tolerate but is not content with their own volatility. There is a common wish to control or change the other person who is seen as the cause of unpleasant feelings.
• Social-μ2: Members do not need to be content with their groups: working to change and improve them is part of the politics.
• Individual-μ3: Most everyone feels discontented by the gap between their ideal self and their actual self, even as they accept its inevitability.
• Sensory-μ4: Conviviality, sensory pleasures, and good company allow you to feel good regardless of any deep discontents.
• Vital-μ5: The issue of contentment does not arise except perhaps via the discontent of living within a limited comfort zone.
• Transpersonal-μ6: Being humane often means engaging with painful or problematic situations and being discontented with how little you can do.